


Not Exactly Clash of the Titans

by Nerdgirlproblems



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Greek myth - Freeform, M/M, Medusa - Freeform, mythology crack fic, perseus - Freeform, yeah this was just a crazy mythy-mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-03
Updated: 2013-05-03
Packaged: 2017-12-10 06:06:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/782680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nerdgirlproblems/pseuds/Nerdgirlproblems
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Perseus!Stiles goes on his hero's journey. </p>
<p>a cracky Teen Wolf myth.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not Exactly Clash of the Titans

**Author's Note:**

  * For [nighimpossible](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nighimpossible/gifts).



> Emily Handofgold got me in love with Perseus!Stiles, so I had to write this.
> 
> not beta'd, written while half asleep on a plane, and I messed with the myth a bit, and boy is this cracky...
> 
> Enjoy!

Stiles was normal and that’s the way he liked he. He didn’t have any special powers or magic tricks. He was a human, not a monster or a magician or a god. You know, the kind that ruin people’s lives, maybe by showing up in a poor girl’s room as a freaking bolt of light, knocking her up, then disappearing while she and her kid get thrown in a box and dumped in the sea.

 

Not that Stiles was bitter or anything.

 

He was just happy to be a normal human and not a stupid, asshole, deadbeat-dad of a god.

 

For example.

 

Anyway, life was going just fine for Stiles. He lived with his mom and the best human dad in the world. He’d even taken his name, Stilinski, to make a new nickname (how could his mother have named him Perseus? Like, really? That’s practically child abuse). He didn’t need any gods or any powers or anyone other than his awesome family.

 

Until Harris showed up.

 

On Stiles’ list of “Authority Figures Who Don’t Deserve Their Authority Because They Keep Ruining My Life,” his bio-dad Zeus may have been #1, but Harris, the king of Seriphos, was number 2.

 

Stiles’ mom, Danae, and the man who’d saved their lives and raised him, Stilinski (the only real law in their town, since Harris didn’t actually do any peacekeeping), had lived together all of Stiles’ life but had never officially gotten married just in case it would piss of Zeus. Stiles was doubtful, because he was 100% sure that the god stopped caring about them as soon as he’d been conceived, but he was the kid so he didn’t get a say.

 

But the possible threat of godly retribution for getting with a lady that had birthed a child of the king of the gods didn’t scare off Harris.

 

Nope. Instead he kidnapped Danae, threatened Stilinski and Stiles, and took her off to prepare their wedding.

 

What. A. Dick.

 

Of course, he kept covering his ass. Told Stiles and his dad that he just needed Danae to help him plan his wedding to someone else. Right, like they believed that for a second. But he wouldn’t let Stiles into his palace (where he planned on grabbing his mom and running for it) without a wedding gift.

 

No, seriously, this guy’s a dick.

Unfortunately for Stiles, he kind of had a mouth on him. The type that got him into trouble.

 

“What, Young Stilinski, no wedding present? You can’t come into my home for the celebration of my ROYAL marriage without a gift! What kind of ungrateful child are you? Were you raised in a barn? You lazy, good-for-nothing,-”

 

Stiles had gritted his teeth. He saw the looks his dad was shooting him, but he just couldn’t stop himself.

 

“I could get you any gift in the whole world! I could get you the best damn present, it’d make the gods jealous!”

 

When Harris grinned, Stiles knew he was in trouble.

 

“All right then, boy. Get me the head of the Gorgon Medusa.”

 

Shit.

 

***

 

For those who don’t know, the Gorgons are monsters, and Medusa’s the worst. There are three of them, all sisters. Medusa is the only one of them who’s mortal, so of course she’s the only one that Stiles would have even the slightest (and boy was it slight) chance of killing.

 

She had been beautiful, once. At least, that’s the story that Stiles had heard. But she’d pissed off a god and been cursed. Now she was grotesque, with snakes for hair, and anyone who looked her in the eye was turned to stone.

 

See that whole thing about gods being dicks? Not just to Stiles.

 

And now he was stuck going on a quest to find her, survive the encounter, get her head, and come back to get inside Harris’ place and save his mom.

 

For once, Stiles was less than happy at being a normal, average, power-less human.

 

He stood at the crossroads outside of town, taking deep breaths to try and fortify himself. He had a bag with food and a few other supplies, and his dad’s old sword. He’d run out in the night before his dad could stop him from doing something so stupid.

 

And boy was this stupid.

 

“I’m an idiot. Like, grade A, 100%, home-grown doofus. How am I supposed to do this?” He turned his face up to the sky, the direction he looked when he was upset or frustrated. “Are you happy about this, Old Man? Is this how you get your kicks? Making kids and then ditching them only to make sure their lives get ruined as soon as things get good? Well, thanks for nothing, Pops!”

 

Stiles kicked the dirt, about to turn around and admit defeat, when he heard a weird noise.

 

It sounded kind of like someone laughing.

 

He spun around and saw a guy about his age with a slightly uneven jaw and a puppy-dog smile floating next to him.

 

Yeah. Floating.

 

“I’ve never heard anyone talk to him like that before!”

 

“Uhh…..”

 

For once, Stiles was at a loss for words.

 

“That was kind of awesome. Calling him out on his shit like that.”

 

“Um. Thanks? And you’d be?”

 

“Oh! What, you don’t recognize the shoes?”

 

Stiles looked down as the guy kicked his feet. He was wearing winged sandals.

 

Stiles only knew of one person who wore winged sandals and would be amused at him cursing out a god.

 

“Shit.”

 

“Actually, it’s Hermes. Well, that’s my title, I guess. Most people call me Scott. You can call me Scott. You’re Per-“

 

“Stiles. It’s Stiles.”

 

Scott cocked his head. “Huh. Cool. Never met anyone with that name before.”

 

“Yeah, I’m a real individual. What are you doing here, anyway? Shouldn’t you be stealing someone’s herd of cows or leading ghosts to Hades?”

 

“Dude, that’s just my day job. I’m here to help you out!”

 

“Help me out?”

 

“Yeah! With the whole Gorgon thing!”

 

“How do you know about that?!”

 

Scott grinned. “Dude. I’m a god. It’s in the job description. Besides, we’re sort of related, because of the whole Zeus thing. You’re my bro. I gotta look out for you.”

 

“Look out for me? So where were you when my mom and I were locked in a box and almost drowned? Or when the kids at school kicked me around? Or when the king kidnapped my mom?”

 

“Oh… I mean, you turned out okay.”

 

“I guess…”

 

“Anyway! We’re here to help you get prepared to fight Medusa.”

 

“We?”

 

“That’s what he said.” Another voice filled the air. Stiles looked in awe as a beautiful woman with fiery hair and a superior expression appeared next to Scott. It took a second, but then Stiles recognized the helm she was wearing.

 

“Holy shit. Athena?”

 

“Duh. You can call me Lydia, though. Since we’re gonna be such… friends.”

 

Stiles tried not to flinch at her little smile. She was looking at him like she could gleefully tear him apart in seconds.

 

And considering who she was, she most definitely could.

 

“Um… so you guys are going to help me kill Medusa?”

 

“We’re going to help you kill a medusa, yup.” Scott nodded.

 

“I’m lost again.”

 

Lydia sighed, rolling her eyes.

 

“Rumors do get muddled. A medusa is a kind of monster. It’s a subset of Gorgon. Whatever, the classifications don’t matter. You humans like to think this particular medusa is a woman, and I admit that I do get a little joy out of that. But it’s a man.”

 

“She’s a man?”

 

“He is my ex-boyfriend.”

 

Stiles was both intrigued and jealous at that.

 

What? Just because she was the most dangerous being in the cosmos didn’t mean she wasn’t totally badass and hot.

 

“Wait, you want me to kill your ex-boyfriend?”

 

“I… let my anger get away with me the last time he and I spoke. Not that I regret it. He deserved it. But since you, my little brother, need his head, I see this as an opportunity for me to find closure. So after you bring the head to the little king, bring it to me.”

 

“Right. Yeah, ok. Um… what did he do, anyway? That made you so mad? And, I assume, made you make him all… gorgon-y.”

 

Lydia’s face grew dark. “He fucked another god in my temple. So obviously he was just asking for me to make his pretty little face a little less pretty. His arrogance is useless now, when any man or woman would die at the sight of him. I thought it was fitting.”

 

Stiles gulped. “Yeah. What did you do to the god?”

 

Lydia frowned. “Nothing. Zeus wouldn’t let me. He has a soft spot for the god of the ocean, I guess.”

 

“Dude, it’s Danny!” Scott interjected. “Everyone loves Danny.”

 

Lydia shot him a glare.

 

“Anyway, Stiles, we’re here to give you some tools you’ll need and to point you in the right direction.”

 

“Tools?”

 

“Yes. Since you’re, as you like to say ad naseum, a ‘normal human.’ But a human that can use magical items to his advantage.” She nudged Scott.

 

“Right! Here’s a sickle, it’s pretty sweet and powerful and stuff. And my shoes. Then you can fly!” Scott handed them over.

 

“Don’t you need these, bro?”

 

“Nah, I’ve got more.”

 

“Sweet.”

 

“And from me.” Lydia interjected. “My shield. It’s reflective, which I trust you’ll find useful.”

 

She gave Stiles a pointed look.

 

“I’m guessing you mean I’ll use it for more than checking out if I’ve got bed-head…”

 

“Use your brain, Stiles. We’re related, so you must have one.” She looked over at Scott. “Well, you might have one.”

 

“Alright!” Scott patted Stiles on the back. “We gotta go. But good luck, buddy! And we’ll see you when this is all over.”

 

“Wait! Where do I find this guy?”

 

“Hmm… the best way is to send you to the Graeae. They’re these ugly old woman that share an eye. It’s pretty gross. If you trick them, you can force them to tell you where to find the Nymphs of the North. And then they can give you a hat to make you invisible and can tell you where to find Jackson.”

 

“Yeah… that sounds like a lot of work…”

 

Lydia rolled her eyes. Again. She seemed to do that a lot.

 

“You’re a ridiculous hero. Worse than Theseus.”

 

“Hey, I never said I was a hero!”

 

She grabbed a cap from her bag and stuffed it onto Stiles’ head.

 

“Here! That’s the Cap of Darkness. I borrowed it from the Nymphs a few weeks ago. You lazy little shit. And Jackson’s in an old grove on a rocky island far to the north. The shoes will tell you how to get there. Now do you think you can kill him, or will you need me to hold your hand through that, too?”

 

Stiles’ eyes narrowed. “I can do that just fine, thanks.”

 

With one last glare, Lydia disappeared.

 

“Sorry about that, man. She’s usually pretty cool. But Jackson’s, like, the one guy she let walk all over her and she’s still a bit of a mess when it comes to him. They were kind of a mutual mess.”

 

“Yeah. I can see that. You gotta go, too?”

 

“Yup. Sorry. I’ve got a goddess of the hunt to go moon over.”

 

“Good luck.” Stiles stuck out his hand to shake, but Scott ignored it and went in for a hug.

 

“You two, bro.”

 

And then he, too, was gone.

 

Now all Stiles had to do was find a monster, not get turned to stone, and kill him.

 

Awesome.

 

***

 

Stiles got the hang of the flying shoes pretty quickly, after flailing a bit for the first few miles. Okay, flailing a lot. But now he was a pro. It was pretty boring, flying over the country with the Cap on so no one would see him and freak out. The scenery was all the same.

 

Farm.

 

Field.

 

Forest.

 

Sheep.

 

Village.

 

Farm.

 

Sheep.

 

Dude tied to some rocks.

 

Wait….

 

Stiles stopped and did a major U-turn. Yup, there was a guy chained up to some rocks on the edge of a cliff. A hot guy. Like, a super hot guy.

 

Obviously Stiles needed to go help him out.

 

“Hey! Dude. You’re chained to some rocks.” He flew down, pulling of his cap.

 

“Yes. I noticed.”

 

The guy’s voice was rough and deep, and he sounded a bit annoyed.

 

“Well… do you want me to help?”

 

“No thanks.”

 

Stiles stopped, floating in front of him, a quizzical look on his face.

 

“So… you want to be chained to some rocks?”

 

“I’ve got it under control.”

 

“Can I ask why?”

 

The man sighed.

 

“My family is in trouble. This is the only way I can save them.”

 

“…by being chained to rocks?”

 

“BY SACFIRICING MYSELF TO A MONSTER, OKAY?” the man yelled. Stiles was taken aback, his eyes wide.

 

“Oh. Oh! Dude. That sucks.”

 

The man glared. “Yes.”

 

“Is there…. What if I could help?”

 

“You can’t.”

 

“Dude, you don’t even know me. I’m, like, a hero.”

 

“There was an oracle. I have to be chained here as a sacrifice to save my family and my people.”

 

“What happened where this is the only response?”

 

He grimaced. “My sister. She was drunk, and she was joking, but she said I was… more attractive than any of the nereids. And apparently Poseidon really loves his nymphs so…”

 

“Yeah, I think he’s just having a rough time because his boyfriend got turned into a lizard snake monster thing.”

 

“What?”

 

“Nothing. Look, who said you needed to die for this to happen?”

 

“The Oracle of Argent.”

 

“And this is a trustworthy person?”

 

“…No. Not really. She mainly looks out for her own interest. But she lives in my village and this monster is threatening all of us, and it’s my fault and my duty to stop it.”

 

“If I help, will you help me?”

 

“How can you possibly help?”

 

“Look, dude, I’m about to go kill a gorgon and I’ve got magical god presents and I may be sort of the son of Zeus, so will you just let me help?!”

 

The man eyed Stiles warily.

 

“I guess I have nothing to lose.”

 

“Great! The name’s Stiles.”

 

“… Is that a name?”

 

“The correct response is ‘nice to meet you, my name is…’”

 

“…Derek.”

 

“Nice to meet you, Derek. Now wait right there with your chains and stuff while I slay the monster for you.”

 

Before Derek could respond, Stiles flew around and hid behind a nearby outcrop of rocks. He didn’t have long to wait before a large monster rose out of the sea and headed right for Derek, whose face was a grim mask of resigned determination.

 

Pulling on the Cap and holding tight to his sickle, Stiles said a quick, “please don’t let me screw up” prayer to Lydia and flew out towards the monster, reaching out with his sickle to cut it’s throat.

 

After a moment, both Derek and Stiles opened their eyes.

 

“Holy shit!”

 

“Holy shit…”

 

“See! I told you I could do it!” Stiles cheered, watching as the headless corpse of the monster sunk back into the water.

 

He flew to unchain Derek.

 

“So, you gonna help me now?”

 

“… You said something about a gorgon?”

 

***

 

Flying with another person was awkward. Flying with a giant hot man like Derek was even more awkward, since Stiles had to half hold him up. After a while they split the shoes, each wearing one, and wrapped an arm around the other’s shoulder or waist to stick together.

 

It was still the most awkward part of any heroic journey that Stiles had heard about.

 

***

 

Thankfully before long the two of them reached the desolate island where Jackson was now living.

 

“Okay, dude. I need you to stay here and be my back up. Like, if I get killed, I need you to get him.”

 

“There is no way I’m letting you go in there alone.”

 

“Look, the whole point of this is for me to get his head and save my mom. If I… if I can’t, I need you to. Got it?”

 

They stared at each other for a moment.

 

Boy Derek really was hot.

 

Focus!

 

“Fine.” Derek gritted out. “But… just… don’t die, okay?”

 

Stiles grinned. “I’ll try my best.”

 

He put on the Cap, Lydia’s shield in one hand and Scott’s sickle in the other. He turned toward the cave where he knew Jackson was.

 

How does someone kill a monster that you can’t see?

 

Wait…

 

Stiles looked down at Lydia’s shield.

 

“Oh. Duh!”

 

***

 

Inside the cave wasn’t as dark as he’d suspected, but that would be helpful in the long run. Stiles crouched low to the ground, shuffling slowly as he tried to listen to what was ahead. He kept the shield up in front of him like a mirror to see around the corner, his eyes focused low.

 

Suddenly, he heard it.

 

“Well, what do we have here? A little rat in my house?”

 

“Jackson?” Stiles called. Better to make sure he had the right monster.

 

“Ah, so you’ve heard of me! Come out and say hello.”

 

Stiles could see his dark form reflected in the shield. He was just around the bend.

 

“Sorry, dude. I wouldn’t want to get too informal. I know what happens when guys get close to you.”

 

“I think you mean what happens to me.”

 

“Well, Lydia did send me. But I was referring to all the statues by the door, you douche.”

 

Jackson growled. Stiles could hear him lunge forward.

 

Stiles watched the shadows on the walls around him, pulling the shield up when he was sure that Jackson was bearing down on him.

 

“Please let this work….”

 

Judging from the blurry reflection, Stiles reached out with sickle and…

 

Suddenly there was a thump. Stiles waited a moment before he slowly lowered the shield.

 

There in front of him was a stone man. He was well built, a little lizard-like, and headless. Stiles jumped as his foot connected with what must have been Jackson’s head. Without looking down, he emptied his bag and wrapped the head inside.

 

“Hey Derek!” he called, “you ready to go?”

 

And then Stiles and Derek were off to save Stiles’ mom.

 

“Are you sure about this? About coming with me?”

 

Flying was still awkward, but Stiles found that he kind of liked being this close to Derek.

 

“I promised you I’d help, and that means seeing this to the end. Besides, my people may be safe, but I’m not sure how happy they would be to see me.”

 

Derek frowned. Stiles gave him a squeeze to show his support.

 

But, like, totally a friendly squeeze.

 

From a friend.

 

Just friends.

 

***

 

After what felt like forever, they landed at Stiles’ home. His dad ran to greet them, visibly relieved to see his son again.

 

“Stiles! Oh thank the gods.”

 

He grabbed his son in a tight hug.

 

“Hey dad.” Stiles choked out. “Um, this is Derek. He helped me get the gorgon’s head. He… um…”

 

Thankfully Stiles’ dad took the hint.

 

“Good to meet you, Derek.”

 

“You too, Sir.”

 

“Awesome!” Stiles clapped his hands together. “Now let’s go save mom.”

 

A quick trip and a quick viewing later, Stiles was face to face with a stone Harris and a free mom.

 

“So… what now?” Stiles asked, looking around at his parents, Derek, and a few stunned palace guests.

 

“Now,” Lydia’s voice said as she appeared next to Stiles, making him jump. “I believe you have something that belongs to me.”

 

Stiles gladly handed over Jackson’s head in a bag.

 

“Take him. It’s kind of creeping me out…”

 

Lydia smiled. “Thank you, by the way.”

 

“What are you going to do with him? Stick him on your shield to warn other men?”

 

She laughed. “Not exactly. I’m a god, Stiles. Just because he’s currently headless doesn’t mean I can’t bring him back. I think he’s learned his lesson by now. And if not, like I said. God.” She smirked, tossing her hair.

 

Stiles was a little in awe.

 

“Dude. You’re kind of perfect.”

 

“Yes, obviously. But maybe you should turn around and give a little more attention to the lost puppy you found.”

 

Stiles looked behind him to see Derek standing awkwardly next to his parents.

 

“Yeah. Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.”

 

“And with Harris gone, your father seems like the best choice to run this little town. Is that alright with you, Stilinski?”

 

His father nodded.

 

“Great. Now I’ve got a boyfriend to resurrect. See you later, Stiles.”

 

***

 

Stiles was still more than happy to be a normal, average, run of the mill human.

 

And he still thought that gods could be major dicks, especially to their kids, even if they do maybe send some really cool pseudo-siblings to help them out.

 

But Stiles was also pretty happy with being a mortal hero.

 

Especially since the perks included awesome hot, badass boyfriends like Derek.

 

So maybe Stiles wasn’t normal. But that was how he liked it.

 

 


End file.
